grandma shit on top of the toilet
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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