My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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