I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
