I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
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I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
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This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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