The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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