Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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