Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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