Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
