Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
