Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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