well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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