mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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