Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
