Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
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I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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