She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
