Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
