I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
i think my cat just said my name.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
