Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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