theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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