My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
