Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
