who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
