The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
