Non-Jews are for practice
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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