I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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