I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
