I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
