Define "chronic" masturbator.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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