why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
