I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
