im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
