I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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