you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
