just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
