I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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