i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
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I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
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he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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