Is it because I queefed?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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