he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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