I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
