i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
