Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
