Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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