If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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