yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
