I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
