new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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