my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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