It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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