i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
