the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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