i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
