by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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