I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
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That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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