I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
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I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
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Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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