My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
