he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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