I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
