It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
pop tarts are not kleenex
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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