he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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