Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We named our party play list daddy issues
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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