please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
