You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
