Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
