gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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