I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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