listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
